


now the lights are fading faster

by pendules



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Episode: s09e10 Road Trip, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-10 01:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate ending to 9x10. Cas goes with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	now the lights are fading faster

**Author's Note:**

> Cas has his wings back. Just roll with it.

He walks away. Maybe it's the first time he's ever really done that. Maybe it's the first time Sam says, "Just go." Sam's always been the one to do it before. And Dean's always been the one to drag him back. From Stanford, and from Ruby, and from death. And he thought he was doing him a favour all those times, made himself believe it, so he wouldn't have to be alone.

It's enough now; it's too much. He's been selfish too many times. He's had enough, burned enough bodies, seen his brother in enough pain to last a hundred lifetimes, asked too much of his friends who would follow him to their deaths (and have, already). Sam doesn't want it anymore, this life, this shell of a life, battle scars on his body and war wounds in his mind and blood on his hands. Just like Dean's. But he couldn't let him go, couldn't let him have what he wanted, what Dean wants sometimes too.

For it to be over.

*

"You should - you should go with him."

"Sam, I -"

"I'll be fine. I just - I need you to go with him, okay?"

And they both know what that means. Dean's in a bad place; they can both see it. There's no telling what he'll do right now, what he'll do when he thinks there's no one left to fight for.

"You can check in whenever you want," Sam continues, like he's thought about it, almost like he's been expecting it in some weird way. "And I know you'll hear me if anything happens."

Cas maybe wants to argue again, but something makes him stop, makes him nod.

He's just turned to go after him when Sam says, "Hey, Cas?" And his voice is fragile and unsure for the first time, not like how it was when he was telling Dean to go, maybe for both of their own good, or when he was making the logical decision a minute ago, the way Sam does, even when he's just been possessed by a malevolent angel who made him kill his friend with his own hands and then had his brain poked and prodded by the former king of hell.

Cas looks at him, and he's near tears now.

"Take care of him, alright?"

"I will," he says, because it's a promise he has to think he can keep.

*

As soon as Cas appears in the passenger seat next to him, he says, " _No_ , Cas." It's like the way a child would scold their dog who tried to follow them to school every morning. Maybe that's what got them into so many messes in the first place, Cas following him and believing in him and dying for him when he never, ever deserved it.

"He _needs_ you," Dean says, and that's all that matters. Cas is what Sam needs now. And Dean used to think he was the person who'd keep him safe, who'd protect him always, but he's always caused him the most pain. It'd break anyone into pieces, knowing that they've hurt the person they love the most over and over again and they can't stop. Maybe it's already broken Dean.

"You need me more," is all Cas says. 

And he wants to yell at him, wants to maybe stop the car and throw him out, wants to slam him up against the side of the car and scream at him that Sam's not the only one he left a mile back there on that bridge. He kind of wishes he was still human so he could hurt him, wants to really hurt him, wants to see the pain and betrayal in his eyes. And maybe he would, even now. Maybe he'd make him hate him, for once and for all, and he'd go back to the bunker like a kicked puppy and they'd give up on him altogether.

Dean has the road and his car and a bar a couple miles from here and maybe he'd find a case, find a girl, maybe peel the skin off a demon or two before he sent them back under, maybe fuck her in the backseat until he doesn't remember her name or his own or anything he's ever left behind or anything that's ever been taken from him. Maybe he'd do this until he doesn't feel angry anymore. Maybe he's lost the right to be angry; maybe he never had it. Maybe hating himself is too much effort. Maybe he's not worth it.

So he doesn't tell Cas anything.

"He doesn't need me," Cas says, like he knows everything Dean's thinking. "He needs to know you're okay." And Dean just tightens his grip on the wheel, closes his eyes for just a moment.

So maybe he didn't quite leave either of them behind after all.

*

"What's the plan?" Cas asks after what seems like hours of silence.

"Hunt this son of a bitch down. Clean up my mess."

"It's not just yours though," and he can feel Cas' gaze on his face, sad and sorry. "He wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me."

"Okay," Dean says finally. "Let's do this." _For Sammy. Because I can't do anything else for him now._

*

They're in the last town Metatron and Gadreel were spotted in, and Dean's searching for any weird, angelic occurrences nearby when Cas appears bringing the welcome smell of greasy burgers and fries.

"Thanks, Cas," he says without looking up from the laptop.

He sits down next to him, not looking at the screen, but instead looking at Dean.

"You need to not do that, Cas," he says but it's not annoyed. Just a fond reminder.

"He's just angry, you know."

"What?"

"Sam. He'll get over it."

Dean lets out a sigh, and they haven't actually talked about it yet. They can talk later; there'll be a lot of time for talking after he kills the son of a bitch.

"But what if I don't?"

"What do you mean?" Cas says, eyes narrowing.

"I mean, what if I don't want it anymore?" He's not even sure what he means anymore, this life and the shit that comes with it, disappointing his brother, letting everyone down, feeling so fucking responsible for every bad thing that's ever happened to anyone he's ever cared about. And Cas knows about that. Maybe Cas knows more than he does, in that weird way he's always known things about Dean that no one else does, things he'd never admit.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, Dean. You've done enough." And he means it, he really does. It almost feels like absolution.

But not yet. Not just yet.

*

Two weeks into their search, they find them. And then they lose them. And Dean wants to scream up at the heavens but there's no one there. That's kind of the problem in the first place.

He just drives as far as he can into the middle of nowhere, parks, gets out, sits on the hood, realises too late that he left all the beers back at the motel. But it doesn't matter anyway. Nothing really matters. Wanting to scream or cry or drink until he passes out or drive his car into a lake. It's all just background noise.

A few minutes later, Cas is sitting next to him. Somehow he finds his hand in the absolute darkness and it's okay again, just for a second.

*

Cas gets back and they haven't talked about it at all but they both know he's seen Sam. To save him from the awkwardness of deciding whether or not to tell him, he just asks him directly.

"So, how's he doing?" he says, as soon as Cas sits on the bed next to his, facing him.

"He's - he's healing. Soon, he'll be back to normal. Or as normal as it gets for you two anyway."

Dean actually cracks a smile at that, but then Cas gets a bit more serious.

"What?"

"He said - he said he's remembering more. Remembering things that Gadreel did," and his expression darkens.

And fuck, it's not over. It's never going to be over, because Dean is miles and miles away and he's still hurting him all over again. His stupid fucking decisions are still hurting him and Dean will never escape them. He gets up and turns his back on Cas, suddenly wishing he was alone for the first time.

"Dean -"

"Cas, don't. Just _don't_."

" _Dean_ ," he says again, insistent, and Dean reluctantly looks at him again.

"Sam might be able to help us locate him, Dean. He said he'd call if he remembers anything useful."

And right, _right_ , it's all about this. All about getting this done. He doesn't know what happens after, because it doesn't matter. He needs to feel it, needs to hear the sound of the blade piercing the bastard's heart, see the light leave his eyes, needs to leave him lying motionless, wings charred. He _needs_ it.

Cas keeps looking at him, worried, and he can't deal with it. He grabs his jacket and mutters something about going to get more beers.

*

Another two weeks goes by and there's no sign of them. They find one of Metatron's followers though, and she talks about a war that's coming to consume the planet and how Metatron will make all the other angels bow to him, with force if necessary. And Dean is apprehensive now because this is bigger than him, bigger than all of them, and he's been so focused on this one thing, this one goal. After it's done, he'll either be dead or gone, gone far away where no one knows his name, no one expects him to be _Dean Winchester_ , to fight until he can't anymore, to never give up, ever. Because he's so tired. And he needs out. He kind of knows that for certain now.

*

Sam calls while Cas is tracking down a new lead and Dean just stares at his phone for a couple moments because it's been a whole month and he hasn't heard his voice in all that time. Cas has seen him a couple more times and he's told him how he was doing each time and he's almost completely healed now, and Dean's so grateful, so, so grateful. Because Dean's had so much blood on his own two hands, but not Sammy's, never Sammy's, never again. He'd walk right back into hell to prevent that.

"Sam?" he says, feeling choked-up suddenly.

"Dean, I think - I think I know where he is."

*

Sam doesn't tell him _Don't do anything stupid_ but it's implied. It always is. He's supposed to wait for Cas, he's supposed to plan this, he's supposed to be smart and tactical and the hunter his dad taught him to be, but maybe that was before - _before_. When he had things to lose. When he had Sam.

He doesn't call Cas.

He goes straight into a huge angel showdown all on his own. 

He remembers Sam saying, _I was willing to die_.

Maybe this is his turn now.

*

The closest he gets to Gadreel is an angel blade through his shoulder. Which is not bad, considering. But then another angel, one of Metatron's other chumps, is grabbing him and pulling him off, and hands are on his eyes - and then - 

Blinding light. Only he doesn't feel any pain. It's not his eyes that are being burnt; it's coming from the wound that's appeared in the angel's chest. And as soon as he drops to the ground, dead, Cas is grabbing Dean and it all goes black.

The last thing he thinks is, _Sammy_.

*

He's standing in the middle of a stretch of deserted highway and it's almost pitch black. As soon as he turns around, Cas is on him, grabbing him roughly by the front of his jacket with both hands and pulling him closer. He looks murderous, scarier than he's ever seen him, not even when he swallowed all of purgatory's souls, because this is Cas, _his_ Cas, and the force of his gaze is almost enough to tear him apart atom by atom.

"What did you think you were doing, you _son of a bitch_ ," and maybe his hands are shaking now, and his voice is a little broken.

"I don't know," he says, helplessly. "I don't know _what_ to do anymore. But I can't do _nothing_ either."

"You could've _died_ ," he says, not letting go, but his eyes are softening a little, just a little.

"It's nothing new, Cas," he says, and he gives him that tired smile that's become the only one he knows.

"But this - this was _different_. This wasn't an act of defiance or a reckless, desperate last-ditch effort. This wasn't _you_. This was _giving up_." He spits it out like it's something disgusting. And Dean remembers that alley, when he thought it was all over, when he'd almost said yes. Thinks that at this very moment, the person he is now wouldn't be able to resist. Thinks that he'd bring the apocalypse down on them again if it'd mean Sammy being safe, and Cas being safe. If it'd mean never feeling _this_ again.

"Maybe I'm done - Cas, maybe I want _out_."

"You don't get to make that decision," Cas says, finally shoving him away hard, turning his back on him like he can't bear to look at him, and this is what he wanted, wasn't it? So why is it that all he can think about is how much he wants Cas to look at him, _really_ look at him, the way he used to years ago?

They're almost on opposite sides of the road now and Dean is just staring at his silhouette.

It feels like a lifetime before Cas walks back over to him, slowly.

"You can't do this to him, Dean," he says, voice so, so soft, eyes dark. "You can't do this to _me_."

"Cas -" He wants to say, _You've lived for thousands of years and I'm just a blip, my entire life can pass by in just a blink of your eyes, and maybe you'll remember me, maybe I was significant for a moment in time but things change and move so fast and everything I've ever done will fade into irrelevance before you even realise it. That's what humans do. We suffer so much and we make so few marks on the world and soon it's all gone. The suffering and the things we leave behind, they both mean nothing in the end._

Cas takes a deep breath before he says it. "I went into hell to find you once. And I'll do it again."

And somehow, it doesn't matter then. Nothing does. Dean wonders if this is what dying feels like, or what it's supposed to. Because it doesn't matter that Gadreel and Metatron got away again and that there's an angel civil war playing out on earth and that Cas blames himself for it and that Sam's still dealing with _Kevin_ and him leaving and a mountain of other shit and that Dean - Dean doesn't have a purpose, a real purpose, that's not just getting revenge or dying trying to.

Because he's _human_. Because he's human and he stopped the apocalypse and he's human and he has a brother who'd do anything for him and he's human and an angel thinks he's worth it. Because he's human and any day could be his last. And that's not a reason to stop living. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Cas is just looking at him, waiting for something, and maybe he has been this whole time. 

He seems pretty surprised when Dean grabs his trenchcoat and hauls him up to kiss him though.

Dean hopes it says what he can't. _I'm not going anywhere_ and _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry_ and _Please don't leave me_.

When they stop for breath, bodies still moulded together, Cas just looks at him, says, "Sam's waiting for you at home."

"Okay," Dean breathes out.

He closes his eyes, pressed so close to Cas, and lets him take him wherever he will.


End file.
